Thought Processing

Yesterday I spent the day in the Emergency ward at a hospital. I was really scared. I didn't know what was not functioning properly with me, nor did the doctors. They finally gave me what they thought the problem was, and sent me for more tests to confirm it. When the test results came back, they told me that there was actually no problem at all. Of course, all this took hours upon hours to figure out. In the meanwhile, I was either sitting waiting for a test, sitting waiting for the doctor, or sitting in the waiting room trying to calm my nerves of not knowing what was going on.

All of this has taught me many things. One of the most immediate lessons is always take magnesium and if you run out, buy more. Another is never take your family for advantage. They will do anything for you.

Other lessons are less obvious to me just now other than the most evident which is that I need to stress less over things. "Don't sweat the same stuff, and it's all small stuff" kinda thing. The details of implementing this plan are not completely clear to me just now. All I know is that I need to change. My body told me so yesterday. Physically I am okay, apparently. Psychologically, I have been really shaken up.

I need to have more fun. Take less responsibility for everything and throw a little caution to the wind sometimes. I need to make this change internally before I can do anything else. I need to understand that I am confident and capable of doing anything. I love life and don't want to lose it. I shouldn't love the stress that I feel everyday, as a constant presence in the background of my everyday activities. I should love living. I want to do things that are fun and actually enjoy them. I want to worry less. I want to change. I know that that will be hard work and I know that I will need help. I also know that at this point, it's not worth carrying on as I once did.

There needs to be something better to do than worry all the time. I want to find out what that is and do it.